Individual healing and Collective Responsibility
I say the phrase: individual healing is our collective responsibility a lot. Like a lot a lot. But what do I actually mean? At the moment it feels like there is a simultaneously a leaning into and push-back against individual wellness culture. A lot of internet wellness resources encourage us to focus on our individual well-being at all costs. However, more and more I am seeing recognition that this is actually quite a dysfunctional way approaching life, but the conclusion tends to be that we should not bother with our own individual healing at all and instead focus on other things. As is my stance on most things, I believe that more nuance is needed and that doing the work of fixing this broken world requires much from us, and that individual healing, is one of the foundational warp threads in the complicated weaving that is required to serve this larger goal.
Healthy communities require so much from us as individuals. To form communities where every member thrives here are some skills that we need:
To be able to accept when we have caused harm and take responsibility for it
To be able to sacrifice some of our individual wants for the greater good of the collective
To be able work collaboratively for the common good
To be able to recognise the difference between harm/attack and discomfort
To be able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings
To be able engage with people we don’t like or hold different views from us
To be able to engage with people who have caused harm
To be able to regulate our own emotions and support others in regulating theirs
To be able to tolerate positive emotion and sensation
To be able to live with stability and consistency
These are just a few I can think of off the top of my head, there are many more. I think the point that I am trying to get at here is that healthy communities do not just happen by accident, they are a labour of love and this labour requires many emotional and relational skills that are hard to practice if we have not done our own individual healing work. In my practice I consistently see individuals for whom tolerating any kind of positive sensation is basically impossible, which means experiencing loving and caring relationship is actually a source of distress. At the same time I frequently see clients who cannot tolerate any kind of discomfort and lean hard into avoidance strategies, which means that engaging in any kind of conflict is basically impossible.
All of this said, individual healing is almost impossible to do individually. This does not mean that we necessarily need to pay for professional help. We can do it in community, and really part of what therapy is, is a proxy for a healthy relationship, where we are able to do things such as work through conflict in productive ways. Other things happen as well, but this is one of the most important parts of it. I know for me personally, most of my individual healing has happened through my friendships and in my life-partnership, but it has required from me, an intentional commitment to growth.
Fundamentally, I think that when we do our own individual healing work we are better able to take responsibility for the world around us, which means we become responsible for creating something better. When I was a child I was very perplexed by the Marianne Williams Quote:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
When I felt like I had no power or agency and deeply craved, it felt absurd to me that people could be afraid of it. However what I have come to realise as I have practiced as a counsellor is that power and agency create responsibility, and this can be terrifying! If we have power, that means we should do something with it, it is much much more comfortable to believe that I have no power at all.