So what do we do with feelings?
If feelings aren’t facts, and therefore we should not respond to them as such, what SHOULD we do with them? In the post I linked to there I stated that we need to become skilled interpreters of our feelings, which is all well and good, but how do we do that? In this post I will outline a specific process that you can follow.
Often we believe that we only have two options when it comes to feelings that are uncomfortable:
Avoid them, squash them, put them aside
React to them - this can sometimes take the form of lashing out, picking a fight, people pleasing etc….
I propose a third way, feelings competence. Whereby we become skilled at interpreting the information a feeling is giving us, containing and right-sizing it and then responding from this place.
The first step is to notice. One of the reasons that mindfulness practices support good mental health is that make us better at noticing what is happening for us. So when I say notice I mean, how can you tell that you are having an uncomfortable feeling? Has your heart rate increased, are your muscles tense, is there a sensation in the pit of your stomach? Have your hands suddenly turned to fists? Many of us are OK at this first step, but our response is to then distract ourselves from the discomfort.
The second step is to name it. Once you have been able to recognise that you are having an uncomfortable feeling it is important that you then take the time to name what that is. There is a saying in therapist circles, “name it and contain it.” Sometimes all it takes to manage a big feeling is to name it as once we can label something this makes our experience much less overwhelming. So sometimes we can just stop here. If we need to continue,
The third step is to investigate it. As you pay attention to the sensations the feeling is causing in your body, it can be useful to ask ourselves some questions. Where is this feeling coming from? Is it related to the present, or something else? What need is this feeling asking me to pay attention to? (for example, anger can let us know our boundaries are being stepped on, loneliness lets us know we need to seek out connection)
The fourth step is to take an action. It doesn’t have to be huge or big, it could be as simple as finding away to care for ourselves through an uncomfortable feeling that is linked to our past experiences. It could be setting a boundary, or calling a friend, or going for a walk. If our feelings are about the state of the world, it could mean writing to our local MP or joining a protest. What is important, is that our feelings are meant to be impetuses for action, they are meant to guide us towards taking action towards meeting our needs. It is important in this step, that we don’t think about avoidance as an action. Scrolling on your phone doesn’t count, having a drink or a joint doesn’t count. However an activity that feels good where you need to be present does, for example, cooking, crafting, physical activity etc… The distinction might seem murky, but as you practice more you’ll get a feel for it.
If we don’t think about what actions we need to take, often that means we end up staying in situations that are bad for us, not quitting jobs where we are exploited, not advocating for ourselves, because instead we just focus on making the discomfort of the bad feeling go away.
As a thank you to the people who have recently upgraded their subscription to paid I have included a version of this practice voice guided by me after the paywall. Thank you so much!
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