Toxic Relationship Ecosystems

Mesophotic coral ecosystem in the Marshall Islands, Luiz A. Rocha

Contemporary discourses about bad relationships like to focus on heroes and villains, victims and perpetrators, addict/enabler. I think this is shaped in large part by the criminal justice system, which requires a victim and a perpetrator for something to be able to be positioned as a crime. The feminist movement, in trying to get society to take gendered violence seriously, understandably, has relied on this framing and in some ways expanded on it, because it has been viewed as a useful tactic to generate compassion for people who have been in violent relationships. Prior to this important feminist work, violence in relationships was either seen as a part of life that women must simply survive, or, if that was not the case, then women who were trapped in violent relationships were portrayed as ridiculous or stupid for remaining.

Feminists have done much to help people understand how perpetrators of violence have many tactics of coercive control that they make use of to keep people trapped in toxic relationships, and that this type of violence, on a societal level, occurs along gender based lines, and is in part due to the unequal social power relationships that exist between men and women generally. I do think all of these things are true, but I also think there is more to the story. We use the criminal justice system, because it is by in large, the only tool we have to address the harm that we do to each other. However this system is a very blunt instrument, and by its very nature requires a black and white way of thinking, there is no space for nuance.

Relationships on the other hand are highly complex systems with many variables. I am not sure if black and white thinking serves us very well for the type of harm we do to each other in relationship. However because the criminal justice system is the framework that we have it impacts how we think and talk about bad relationships that do not meet the standard for criminal harm as well, even though it does not serve us.

Toxic relationships are ecosystems, there are forces both inside and outside of the relationships that allow them to thrive. Here is a brief list of some of the elements that could constitute the external (to the relationship) parts of toxic relationship ecosystems that could uphold them:

• The culture that we live in

• Ideas about masculinity and femininity

• Friends

• Family

• Prominent stories about how relationships should be (e.g. in the media, in fiction, family stories etc…)

• Finances

• Social status

• Housing

As I am writing the list I realise the distinction I am making between external and internal is pretty blurry, are finances external to the relationship or internal to it? Both perhaps depending on how you structure you’re finances? The point I am trying to make is that relationships are influenced by so much more than the behaviour of the people who are in them. If we think about eco-systems, they have conditions that allow organisms to thrive, and the things I have described in the list can provide the conditions in which toxic relationships thrive.

Similarly there are factors inside the relationship, including the personality, values and other characteristics of the people in a relationship that can allow a toxic relationship to thrive also. A frequently unspoken truth about toxic relationships is that everyone in one, not just the person in the role of perpetrator gets something out of it. The things the person in the role of victim can get out of a relationship vary, sometimes there can be power in holding on to a role of victimhood, sometimes the intensity and drama of a toxic relationship seems preferable to the mundanity of something ‘normal.’ Sometimes we are wrapped up in the idea that if we can make this person change, or heal or fix them, that will confirm our own speacialness. When I say this I am not saying that everyone in the relationship is equally responsible for harm caused, but that people who are in the role of victim, do contribute to the overall toxicity of a relationship, and that these factors are some of the internal conditions that allow a toxic relationship to thrive.

I think it is important for us to think about both the internal and external conditions that are allowing a toxic relationship to thrive, because this helps us to be better friends and community members. If our friends are in toxic relationships, if we think about all the different factors that are supporting the toxic relationship it gives us many more levers to pull on to support them from leaving that situation. Additionally it reminds us that setting a boundary is sometimes a useful lever to! For example, if the intensity and the drama is something that you are noticing is keeping a friend or family member in the vortex of a toxic relationship, it might be useful to set a boundary that you don’t want to talk about their relationship anymore because there is nothing good or useful to say, and that you are happy to talk about anything else.

The common wisdom is to maintain a relationship with someone in a toxic relationship at all costs. I do think maintaining relationships with people who are in bad relationships is important, because isolation is often a significant part of the toxic relationship eco-system. At the same time, being friends with someone stuck in toxic relationship eco-system can be very challenging, and not just because of the partner in the role of perpetrator. People often become very wrapped up in themselves and the relationship, it becomes hard for them to be reciprocal in their friend, family and community relationships. So perhaps it is important to maintain the relationship but also hold people to account to the wider damage that is caused by their toxic relationship eco-system. We don’t have to be all or nothing in maintaining these relationships either.